I have always been, and continue to be faithful to my wife of 30 years now.  I am not homosexual, don't want a sex change, and don't want to live full time as a woman (not that these things are inherently wrong, but they are not right for me--most of the time I prefer to be the male guy I’ve always been).  I simply want to be accepted for who I am.  Of course, I've had 40 years to get used to this idea, and only recently dealt with it myself while contemplating suicide, so I understand the difficulty people have accepting me no matter how much I wish they could.  It has taken me a long time to realize that being transgendered is not a matter of personal choice any more than eating, breathing or sleeping.  We can decide to suspend these activities for the moment, but they always tend to resume by themselves, and denying them only racks us with guilt and makes us sick.  I cannot say why I need to do it, and as far as I know medical science has yet to explain it either.  About 1 in 2500 people are born intersexed, where doctors are unable to determine sex at birth.  Perhaps 10 times as many are intersexed to some lesser degree, though they may never even know it.  I've never heard of a connection between intersex conditions and transgenderism, though it seems natural to expect one.  To this day, I wonder about the physiological basis for my own transgenderedness (and there are some anecdotal reasons to).  All I know for sure is that when I dress up, I suddenly see myself and the world differently.  A lightness and joy and optimism opens up.  A desire to nurture replaces the desire to control.  New possibilities emerge where there were none before, and I am bathed in a feeling of self-acceptance and love and concern for others.

Gender is often confused with sexuality, and so transgendered people are often thought of as sexual deviants or perverts bent on homosexual activity or molesting children.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  One has little to do with the other.  Gender is about behaviors people associate with a particular sex.  Most often people of a particular sex behave a certain way, and it can be a real shock to confront someone of one sex behaving like the opposite one.  Recently women have had more freedom to "cross the lines" than men, but this was not always so.  At the turn of the 20th century, women could not vote, enter professions, or even wear pants in America.  Consider the dichotomy observed by Helen Boyd in "My Husband Betty":

People often confuse crossdressers with drag queens who can be quite provocative, and really over the top.  In reality, we are typically dignified, thoughtful, and sensitive individuals who simply don't necessarily embrace every gender stereotypical behavior associated with our biological sex--including our choice of clothing.  Our ranks include doctors, lawyers, engineers, and musicians, to list only a few.  Historically, many civilizations (including native Americans) have revered their transgendered citizens, so as a group, I believe we have a lot to offer our community.  I do not believe we are "abominations to God."  On the contrary (and this was not always so) I have come to believe that He has given us a rare gift.

Of course, I still worry about having to confront those pious moralists who cloak themselves in religion, and can always quote every scripture on the evils of men dressing as women and women dressing as men, and the persecution they will inflict on me, my family and those who might support me.  I watched in horrified sadness as nearly half of our congregation left the church simply because our pastor came out in support of his daughter's decision to keep and raise a baby she had out of wedlock.  So I am keenly aware of the burdens others might have to bear for welcoming me or appearing to condone my behavior. 

People often cite Deuteronomy to justify their condemnations of people like me, but the insight I get is that the intent of this book is about fairness, and being fair.  It is the codification of that intent.  As we all know, no body of codes is sufficient to cover every possible specific circumstance, which is why we have courts to decide the intent of the law.  As such, I do not think the Bible speaks about TG people directly.  It may address people who would deceive other people into thinking they are someone they are not, but I don't think it even addresses those of us who find ourselves with more than one soul any more than it does ambiguous genitalia or interplanetary space travel.  What it does do is clearly address the idea of being fair and merciful.  For example, it talks about involuntary manslaughter, as when a man's axe flies off its handle and kills his neighbor.  Although one could be argue that the man should be punished for not having taken better care of his axe, the Bible simply says the man should not be punished except for being kept out of town for a couple of months (probably to keep his neighbors from taking revenge until they cool off).  Fairness and mercy again and again seem to be the intent of Scripture to me.

So, anyway, I decided to take the advice of my doctors at Kaiser, and explore my feminine side.  I joined a support group http://www.rivercitygems.org/.  The folks in this group are extraordinary people, covering the gender spectrum from crossdresser to full-on transsexual, though our primary focus is on crossdressing.  Typically, there is a dinner social each month, held at a restaurant or hotel.  We have over a hundred members, and as many as 40 come to the socials.  Otherwise, the people are like everyone else.  My wife often attends functions with me, and we both seem to have a great time.  We are looking to do more charity work, and also outreach to colleges and other groups who want to know more about us.  There is plenty to do.  The suicide rate in the TG community is an appalling 31%, with more than half attempting it before age 21.  There are also a lot of hate crimes against TG people.  Exploring my desire to crossdress and being there for other crossdressers has helped slash the vine of depression which was choking the life out of me, and brought to light an emotional side of me enabling a fuller, richer, more exciting life.  Who knew? 

Slowly, my wife has accepted me for the most part, but there are still days when she has reservations about what I do, and wishes I were "normal."  She's had 10 months to get used to what I had 40 years to get used to.  More and more often now, she supports me, and actually enjoys herself in the process, but only because I have been persistent, honest, patient, and acknowledged that her concerns are all valid.  She worries about me someday wanting to have a sex change. She worries about being discovered and losing her friends or job or being hugely embarrassed.  She worries about me losing my job. She worries I will lose my male identity.  She worries about a lot of stuff.  My son kids me about being Mr. Garrison (from South Park).  And then there's the old joke, "What do you call someone whose been crossdressing for more than a year?--A transsexual."  All valid concerns, but her fears have not really panned out.  In fact, there are even some perks to our relationship.  When she wants to go shopping, she knows she'll have lots of encouragement and we'll both have a great time.  Moreover, she's beginning to see that I really haven't changed.  A lot of the traits she's always liked about me are probably because of the way I am.

I hope that you will also discover I am pretty much the same person you always thought I was, only with a more honest relationship now.  I hope you will find a way to accept me for the way I am--even if you aren't completely comfortable with all you now know.